Duncan's Adoption Story

Two friends at work, Kathleen and Betsy close to the same day encouraged me to post my boys' adoption stories on the blog. Writing this was not easy, especially reliving in my mind the two week known as the "Gates of Hell." That sick to my stomach feeling came back, but it was finally good to document the long path to Adoption. Duncan's story is first, and I will begin working on Tavio's. Part of the difficulty is that Duncan and Tavio's stories are intertwined (so are Aaron's and Benjamin's), but I wanted to keep them seperate.

Duncan’s Adoption Story

Duncan’s story begins on June 21st, 1997, he was born on the day that Kimberly and I were married. I was told once that people who believe in coincidences, don’t necessarily believe in God. His mother had a rough life, from what we were informed. Texas Child Protective Services (CPS) was called several times, because of the constant crying of Duncan and his sister Melissa. Fearing CPS was going to remove the children, Duncan’s mother brought both he and his sister to Casa de Esperanza de Los Ninos. During his intake exam, Duncan was diagnosed with failure to thrive. He was shutting down, not eating, and basically starving himself to death because of severe neglect. The intake team said it appeared that Duncan had no soul. He would just blankly stare off in the distance. Duncan was placed in a six bed unit until both he and his sister could be placed in a foster home. He was finally placed in a home, but because of his failure to thrive issues, he was returned by two sets of parents. They were unable to cope with his issues. Finally he was placed with Bryce and Rebecca Jones, Chad’s (my older brother) friends from BYU.

What lead us to Foster to Adopt Program

Kimberly and I moved to Houston, so I could attend the Rice University’s Jones Graduate School of Business MBA program. During my first year Kimberly was teaching 2nd grade in the Spring Branch ISD (Independent School District). Her OB/GYN placed her on Clomid. Her quality of life on this drug was not good, with her 24X7 migraines. I did mention to her I would rather have her in my life, grumpy with migraines than not have her in my life at all. She decided that it was not a quality of life that she wanted and stopped pursuing fertility. I was busy with school, but this was hard time. I felt bad that we were unable to begin a family. Bryce and Rebecca had us over and discussed with us the idea of becoming foster parents. I was unsure of my ability to be a father, let alone a father to abused and neglected children. After a couple of good classes, Kimberly and I decided to join the foster to adopt program. The goal of Casa is to provide the best interest of the child and hopefully parents can use the time to get their life in order and be reunited with their child. Other times the parents fail to keep their commitments and Casa goes to court to terminate the rights of the parents. The children in the foster to adopt program are those where the agency feels the parental rights would be terminated “shortly.” There are no guarantees and the agency is very clear about the risks. The State of Texas mandates several rules as foster parents. First you must complete 20 hours of parenting classes per year, show that you know the basked hold (how to physically restrain a child causing no physical harm), CPR trained, no physical punishment whatsoever (only redirection and timeout), food is never a punishment, and show the paperwork like you are applying for a home loan. The final step is to be interviewed seperately, and discuss you reasons for being a foster parent. The interview is really thorough, question on discipline, and very personnel, “like how is your sex life with your wife.”

Volunteering at Casa and the Foster Parent Interview

Then Casa assigns you as a volunteer to a home, where you volunteer once a week for 2 hours to play with the foster children who are in the 6 bed homes. We began the process in April of 2000. There the Casa permanent workers can observe you and report back on the type of potential foster parent you would be. We were assigned to a home with 6 great children. Sometimes the children would change, but for a couple of months it was stable. We played with a young one year old Hispanic boy, who just loved to sit in Kimberly’s lap. He was a big flirt with his eyes, later this boy would be our Tavio. There was another girl who we loved playing with named Champagne and her personality was indeed very bubbly. We had a great time interacting with the kids. In September, we were asked to become foster to adopt parents and Casa gave us the choice to two kids, a two year old girl and the three year old Duncan. Both Kimberly and I have always felt this choice as a very heavy weight on you. You are determining the future of a child. We inquired about Champagne, but we were informed that her mother was in a welfare to work program, had met all of her visits and Champagne would be returning to her in November. During the time of choosing you are also given as complete as possible all the information about the child and their issues. Bryce was very helpful and very fond of Duncan. Duncan was best friend with Bryce’s son Tyce, and we were informed that Duncan had been bounced around as was diagnosed with failure to thrive. We sat down and met both children and Duncan played with us, but was very shy and timid. We were a bit disappointed about Champagne, but happy for her upcoming reunion. Casa explained that Duncan’s mother’s rights were most likely going to terminated in December with a 95% chance of success. We choose Duncan, because we both felt that a two year would be too difficult for us.

Duncan Arrives

We picked Duncan up on October 2, 2000 at 6 p.m. We received a discharge summary, list of his likes, dislikes and what he liked to eat. We were told due to his failure to thrive the number one goal was calories. Have ice cream and M&M’s, let the boy eat. On his form the only items listed was pizza, and chicken nuggets. Not much of a palette. The first day he was with us was exciting, also what Kimberly and I refer to as the one day honeymoon and three month trail to see if the parents are really going to keep me. That first night we placed him in bed, and told him when he woke up in the morning he could come into our bed. The next morning I woke up to the weirdest sensation. Duncan was 1 inch from my face and he was licking his finger then rubbing my eyebrows. After some discussion, he never had a dad with red hair and thought my hair color was “painted” on, therefore what better way to discover this, then with a finger dripping with saliva rubbing the eyebrows. He was really smart on the second day home from work with Kimberly, he said yeah were almost home. The third day, we officially began the three month try out period. Dinner with him took three hours to complete. He just did not want to eat. About two hours into this meal Duncan looked at me and asked, “Dad if I don’t eat will you send me back like my other parents.” I explained to Duncan that I would not give up on him. We could not control what the Judge would do, ultimately the judge had the final decision, but that Kimberly and I were committed to him. Duncan’s mom was allowed to see him once a month for one hour, and sometimes she would be there and other times she would not show up for 4 to 6 months. Kimberly’s family has a tradition, that each new child born receives a baby blanket made out of tricot, silky type of material. Once received, Duncan went everywhere with that blanket in the home. He loved that blanket and that it belonged to him.

Complicated Decisions

Duncan was not easy to feed; we were still having three hour dinners into November. We had to switch day cares because the day care across the school from where Kimberly worked was not working out. Luckily the day care in the school had an opening and we were able to get him placed there. One night we received a call from the adoption director at Casa. She had called to ask if we wanted to take Champagne. Her mother came in one day and self-terminated her rights; she wanted to go on with her life. In the State of Texas when a parent self terminates their rights, they is no going back on the decision once the pen leaves the paper. The only caveat, is with newborns, mothers have to wait 48 hours before they are allowed to sign the paper. I was in my second year at MBA School the marketing club president, and Kimberly was working full time as a second grade teacher. There was no way we could take another child. I explained this to the director, and she explained that 3 year old girls, free and clear to be adopted did not come along that often. Girls are easier to place with family members that boys are, with the perception that little girls are easier to raise than boys. I explained that we could only have one child at this time, and after business school we could take another. She then asked if we wanted to trade out Duncan for Champagne, because this situation does not come along that often, and she knew how much we were smitten with Champagne. Even without speaking with Kimberly my answer was an emphatic no. I explained that we were committed to Duncan. He was in our home and our first priority, she then commented that we made the correct choice. During the 2007 annual Casa adoptive family reunion picnic we discovered that Champagne was adopted by a nice lesbian couple. We were very happy she found a good home. Duncan’s mom started to attend her monthly visits in November and Casa waited to file for parental termination. When an agency files for termination in Texas there can only be one of two outcomes. Either the parental rights are terminated, or the child is returned to the parent(s), there is no try and try again.

Finishing the MBA program

We flew Duncan to Las Vegas, and had Duncan experience Christmas with the family. He loved his toys and all the attention the family lavished on him. The MBA program last semester the only interesting event happened during the Thursday night Pizza. MBA school only goes from Monday to Thursday, and on Thursday evening companies can sponsor the food. If no company sponsors the food, then the school will provide the pizza. Spouses are invited as well, and it gives you a chance for companies to mingle with the students. On the non-company sponsored nights I would bring Duncan along, he enjoyed the pizza and Kimberly would meet my classmates. One night, I had Duncan with me and I joined a group of African-Americans who were shooting the breeze. One guy told a joke that I did not get, then he turned to me and said, “to bad with you as Duncan’s dad, he will never fit into the black community.” I handed Duncan over to Kimberly, and went back to speak with the loud mouth. Well not willing to turn the other cheek, I responded, “if you have a problem with me being his father, then I think you need to take it up with his dad. Opps you can’t because he impregnated his mother, and left her high and dry. At least I am doing something so he has a home, what are you doing to help out black children in foster care without a father?” I never heard another negative word from the loudmouth about being Duncan’s dad. We got Tavio, on May 11th, 2001, at 4 p.m. two hours after my last MBA final. His story will be covered when I write Tavio’s adoption story. Late May, we flew back to Las Vegas to spend a summer vacation with the family. Going on vacation in always an adventure with foster children, because first you have to plan far in advance, receive permission from the foster agency. The agency has to receive permission from the biological parents for them to fly. Many parents will then not let their child fly as a way of control. The same issue can be seen in medications. You might want to medicate a foster child for ADHD, but the biological parent can deny this. Duncan just loved exploring everything in Las Vegas. I introduced him to In-n-Out Burgers, and we had a great time. Las Vegas is a very transient town, and very different than Texas in that you really don’t have conversations with strangers. Kimberly and Tavio were with her mother, and Duncan and I went to Target to get some shopping done. We were waiting in line, playing around and he kept calling me dad. In front of us was a very large black woman, about 1 ½ time larger than me. She kept looking back at us, and then she finally spoke up and said, “it is wonderful in this day and age to see a big white boy like you married to a sista.” Well, I then spoke to her, explained how Duncan was my foster son. She had even more respect for me and what Kimberly and I were doing.

June 2001 to May 2002

Nothing really much happened in this time frame with Duncan. His mother was hit or miss with the visits. We experienced the boys were unable to handle the Fourth of July. Kids from abused and neglected backgrounds usually have hard times dealing with loud noises. We had fireworks on our streets and it was a traumatic night for both boys. Thunderstorms were another situation that would be hard; we would usually find both boys in our bed during the first 10 minutes of a powerful storm. Tavio had a speech impediment and Duncan would sometimes have to translate for him. They played together like brothers, fought like brothers, and giggled like brothers.

May 25th, 2002, 10:35 a.m. Welcome to the Gates of Hell!

Our Foster case worker Shiela called at this time above. She explained that Casa was losing in court and both parents wanted their children back. They did not think they would be able to win in court and on June 4th at 5 p.m. we would need to drop off both Tavio and Duncan, to be returned to their parents. We spoke for about ½ hour, but nothing more that we could do at this time. I immediately called Kimberly, who was at her new school for training meeting her team for the first time. She immediately came home and we had further discussions. She had one week of school left, and then we would be off for a week. We were determined to provide the boys with two of the best weeks of their lives. We called our parents and explained what was happening. Since we had had Duncan more than a year and a half, we now have standing with the court system, or that we could get a lawyer and the court would have to listen to our side and our arguments in Duncan’s case. But the courts have a bias towards the biological parents, and even though we have a voice, it would not do any good. Tavio was not with us long enough for us to have standing. Kimberly and I wanted both had the constant feeling of puking, we never ate much during this time. We would have to take turns going into our room and crying. Our prayers quickly focused to pleading for both boys. It would have been sad to lose both boys in any case, but we could have dealt with them going back to parents who had their lives somewhat together. Duncan would go back to a Mom, who could barely function with her drug addiction, and Tavio would go back to an abusive father and an alcoholic. What was happening in Duncan’s situation is that his mother had a new boyfriend. He was pushing her to get both children back, because that would mean more money he could plunder from welfare. The worst part is that we could not tell the boys what was going on until the day before we were to drop them off at Casa. I spoke with my boss at work and he was very understanding, and that next week was just a blur. We tried to cook all their favorite foods and have fun with them all the time. The boys were usually just excited, I think they knew something was wrong, but did not ask. I felt constantly like I wanted to puke, did not eat much, it was a consistent pit in the bottom of my stomach. Kimberly and spoke and cried a lot together in the evenings. We both went and saw a counselor about our situation. She was very nice, gave us pointers and reassured us that children are resilient. Our time with the boys would be great memories for them; they would draw on those good memories when times were tough. The next Saturday we received another call from Sheila. She said that Duncan’s had a 50% chance of staying with us, but Tavio was all but gone. He would be turned over to his father and his paternal grandmother on June 4th. The next week I took off work. We did not get permission, but took a day trip to San Antonio to go to Sea World. We had a wonderful day at Sea World, saw the Shamu show, both boys loved the Clyde comedy show. We also went to the zoo and to the Houston Museum of Natural History Butterfly center. I still felt sick to my stomach that whole week, had racing thoughts continually, and would barely sleep. We would discuss items, like maybe we could take the boys and flee to Brazil, but in the end we knew we had to keep the course. We constantly looked at what more could we do, and the more we searched the more hopeless it seemed. I was very fortunate to have Kimberly at my side during this time. We would comfort each other, and some nights just sit in silence. We focused on watching shows, just to take our mind away from the racing thoughts. Sunday night, June 2nd really sucked, we aligned people to come over on Monday, to help us pack the boys. That is just one thing we could not do, and then we arranged for someone to drive the four of us down to Rocket Center, Casa’s foster home where intakes and placements happen. Monday was a blur until 2 p.m. when Sheila called. A miracle had occurred in Tavio’s case. His mother self-terminated her rights and was willing to fight the dad so we could have custody, and Duncan’s mother did not want Duncan nor his sister at this time. Tavio’s case was a bit more solid and Duncan’s was still tentative. It was a relief, but no still no closure. We called the people that were willing to help us and explained that we did not need their help on Tuesday.

Situation Normal: Nothing moving forward for Duncan

Tavio’s case progressed, but Duncan’s remained about the same. He was enrolled in kindergarten in the fall, and seemed to do well there. His mother was still hit and misses on visits, and nothing really progressed. The goal was, if she did not show up for 6 months in a row, the agency would file for termination. Tavio was finally adopted on November 2002. Duncan had a really hard time with Tavio adoption before his. We spoke at length with him, but he still was not happy that he was not adopted yet. After some testing in February with the child diagnostician, Duncan was diagnosed with ADHD. The issue was that we could not get him the medication because his mother would not allow it. In March of 2003, Kimberly and I received another call from Casa, they had a girl who was free and clear to be adopted. We met the girl, who was very cute and a bit shy at first. After much discussion between Kimberly and me we decided not to adopt her. This decision was not easy to make, and I did want to have a little girl, but Duncan was our first priority. We were just trying to get a handle on his ADHD, and it would have devastated him to have another child come in our home, then be adopted before him. It was a tough discussion that I had with the Casa Director, but we made the right decision. I thought we burned our bridge from ever adopting again from Casa, but I did not look back because Duncan came first. Nothing really progressed from this point forward. His mother was still make some, but mostly not show up to most visits. This ran into 2004, and during the 2nd half of 2004 we changed to the meeting place to a McDonalds that was between our home and his Sister’s foster home. She had a streak for 5 months of not showing and the six one was scheduled in October. Duncan’s faith amazed me during this time. He prayed every single night that he would be adopted soon. The visit was scheduled at 6 p.m. and they gave her ½ hour to make it to the visit. At 6:35 we received the call that his mother had showed up, right as our case worker was leaving. I wanted to puke, and had to quickly get Duncan over to the McDonalds. In November, Duncan was getting more agitate about not being adopted. Finally on one Sunday, we asked what was wrong, and he wrote on the piece of paper, I WANT TO BE ADOPTED NOW! I had Duncan speak to our Bishop Lundwall and things went a bit better. He was still not happy about continuing to wait for adoption. Both Kimberly and I spoke with Duncan, how we would like to for him to be adopted, but we had no control in the matter. It was all based on what Judge wanted. Trying to explain this concept to a 7 year is not fun. There were several questions of why, but eventually he understood that there was nothing we could do. All we could do is pray for Heavenly intervention.

Duncan’s Adoption

Finally the call came in around the middle of November. Duncan’s mother came in one day and self-terminated her parental rights. She wanted both Duncan and his sister to move on with their lives. The next step for the agency was to find the father. They knew his name, but did not know where he was living. Well the lawyer checked the public records and discovered that he had seven paternity suits filed against him. They began by calling the plaintiffs, and they were more than willing to give his location, phone numbers, and would generally say tell that lowlife (edited for this blog) he owes me so many months of back child support. The social worker went to his Uncle’s home and spoke with his Uncle. The basic conversation was he can self-terminate his parental rights, and we both would move on. Or he can choose not to, Casa would take him to court to terminate is parental, and press for five years of back child support. Two days later his father showed up and they said smoke was coming off the form with his signing so fast. With both self-terminations in place, we were cleared to adopt Duncan. The court date was set for December 17th, 2004 and Kimberly and I began working on changing his name. We changed the complete name of all of our adopted children to help protect them, and wipe the slate clean. We also apply for new social security numbers so that there is no way for the biological parents to find them. Kimberly was searching names on the internet and Duncan walked in on her a quickly discovered what was going on. We asked his opinion and he wanted his first name to start with the letter D. We searched and searched and settled on the Scottish name Duncan because of my family roots. Duncan also thought the name was cool, because the meaning was dark warrior. We decided also to provide him with my name for a middle name, a tradition with our adopted sons to give them a middle name based on the family names to help tie them in more to the family. On December 17th, we traveled down to Harris County Family Courthouse, in downtown Houston. We saw the associate judge and he asked Duncan did he want to get his name changed, Duncan said yes, and then the judge asked did he want it to be “Spiderman?” Luckily Duncan said no, he preferred it to be Duncan Brandon. We finally adopted him! After we got home, it was about 1 p.m. Kimberly and I let Duncan play upstairs and we both crashed, and slept until Tavio was released from school. It was such a relief that this battle was over.